I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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