I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
