Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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