I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
