I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
