I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
