Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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