i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
