You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
