I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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