how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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