You're completely useless in the revolution.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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