in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
