My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
