my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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