if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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