I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
