I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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