i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
