Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
dude i'm inner monologue high
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
