i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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