i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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