I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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