My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
