I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
