you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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