Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
