I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
