I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
