i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
