I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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