Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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