I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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