the condom got lost in my hair
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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