Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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