If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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