I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
