Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
