i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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