then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
