Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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