So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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