Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
