I wish I only lived at night.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
