Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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