I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
