im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
