Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Randomize
