my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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