so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Randomize
