Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
